The tape is an energy field that connects all living things. It surrounds us, sticks to us, and binds the universe together. Yeah, its some pretty mystical stuff, but what it isn’t is consistent between brands. Of the vast array of tapes, only one has received the Ballsmith’s Mark of Approval. A Good tape must have the following properties:
- Stickiness – A good tape should adhere to itself and damn near anything else. It should require significant “convincing” to loose it. Stickiness is often affected by temperature and dampness.
- Toughness – The best tapes are made of a fiber weave coated in a plastic film. The fiber weave makes the tape flexible, but able to soak up bludgeoning damage.
- Easy to tear – This is more important than you might think. Easy to tear off the roll, but doesn’t tear ON the roll.
- Gray – It’s just the right color.
So let’s look at a variety of brands of tape and see how they measure up:
Duck brand (3M) Tape is properly sticky, but has a very loose fiber weave. This tape rips easily. That leaves wasted tape on the roll, and the beercone is rendered feeble by its weak tensile strength. That said, Duck tape is not totally awful as tapes go.
$0.99 Store Tape is like Duck brand tape, but is MUCH worse. Not sticky, super loose fiber weave that will leave you taping all day long. 0/10 would not buy again.
Gaffer Tape is what British people think duct tape is. It isn’t. Gaffer tape is excellently sticky in ideal conditions. It is tough and is easy to tear. It also has the added benefit of having a neat texture that aids in gripping. It does not however, stand up to cold or dampness at all, and works poorly in dusty conditions.
Gorilla Tape is bad for a beercone. It is a very good tape. If you want to repair a chair or tape up a backpack it is very good. But for Tapey Beercone it doesn’t work. In warm weather Gorilla tape is TOO sticky. It bonds to itself and is very difficult to get off the roll. In cold weather this insane stickiness is made null. It sticks to nothing. Don’t use it, its a bad tape.
Nashua Brand (Berry Plastics Company) Tape is the best damn tape there is. It is tough, tears easily, and is good and properly sticky. It is the ONLY tape endorsed by the Ballsmiths.
Next Up: Part IV: Beercone Postmortem