Buckos Nation After Action Report

On Beerpope Weekend 2019 the Buckos Nation engaged in prolonged hostilities with a flock of big mean turkeys. This is that story.

Initial Contact:
Arriving early Friday afternoon, Hammer and Coach established a beachhead and command center for the weekend’s coming exercise. Contact was established with the locals, Park Ranger “Steely” Dan Gato, and the Nice lady who ran the store. Seeing as the park was left completely unprotected and was likely to fall to communism at any second, the two commissioners took it upon themselves to offer the protection of the mighty Buckos Nation. The locals were overjoyed. That evening, savage noises were overheard from the bush. Luckily, reinforcements began trickling in to fortify the beachhead. Master and Rocket arrived shortly before dark, with Rookie arriving later that evening. Coach and Rookie took up the first watch of the night and observed several Big Mean turkey special forces Raccoons performing reconnaissance in force. They were routed without any bloodshed. It is unclear how much intelligence the Raccoons were able to gather. The next morning, slightly after dawn, Hammer elected to go out on patrol along the main supply road through the camp. Upon reaching Site 133, Hammer was ambushed by several Big Mean turkeys and was forced to retreat and regroup back at the beachhead.

Pre-Hostility posturing:
Shortly thereafter, the remaining reinforcements arrived. Reverend, Student, Loadstar, Dragon, and Stud immediately further fortified the command center. Later in the day, at a High Command Strategy session, it was determined that the Government would never be returning to protect the park and by unanimous vote Pinnacles National Park was annexed by the Buckos Nation. The decision was sanctified by the newly crowned “Pope Master” and the National Park, campground, and all who resided within came to be under the protection of the Buckos Nation. All campers entering the park were informed of the presence of rebel cells of Big Mean turkeys on the periphery of the campground. Several groups chose, as is their right, to ignore that warning and attempted to settle Sites 133 and 134. Besides the horribly stinky man in the green shorts, none of them were ever seen again and are presumed dead, the first casualties of the conflict.

The Long Protracted battle:
At 10 PM Saturday the Big Mean turkeys dispatched several “lil’ bastard” units of Raccoons to sabotage the Buckos Supply lines. Hammer, leading the evening’s watch, coordinated the bolstering of the command center defenses. No delicious snacks were lost. The next morning, the Big mean Turkeys main offensive unit attempted a flanking assault on the Buckos Command Center. They were routed by the tactical genius of Dragon and were forced to retreat to the hills. Raccoons and Crows were continually sent to harass the camp, but never again would the main body of the Big Mean Turkeys be seen. That evening the turkeys unleashed their most powerful weapon, the Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl Blood Orange Moon. Coach was driven to madness, considerable rain fell, and Dragon was evacuated due to a training injury.

End of hostilities:
Monday morning, confident in their overwhelming victory over the Big Mean Turkeys, the severely diminished forces of the Buckos Nation struck camp and returned to their various administrative seats. “Steely” Dan Gato was advised that the Buckos Nation would continue to provide protection, should his own government fail to get their shit together. He assured the rear guard he was capable of defending the Camp. The rear guard departed. Less than an hour later, Reverend received reports that the Big Mean Turkeys had emerged in force and overrun the campground. They immediately instituted an Avian Communo-theocratic Dictatorship. All residents of Pinnacles National Park are missing in action and presumed dead, consumed by the Turkeys.

Gaveltime: Parliamentary Procedure of the Buckos Nation

There is a long and mighty legal tradition in the Buckos Nation. Tapey Beercone, famously created on that frigid January day, wasn’t “born with teeth.” From “Brown v. Education” to “Curtis v. Pile of Rocks” the laws of the Buckos Nation, and the game itself, were sculpted in media res. Any play, action, or stupid thing someone says can potentially trigger the meandering process by which a ground rule becomes codified in the “Official and Governing Rules” of the Sport.

Today, in preparation for the coming Rules Review, we discuss parliamentary procedure and the Buckos Rules of Order. Hang on tight, its gonna be a wild ride.
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Hammer Time: The Beercone: A Material Study – Part IV: Beercone Postmortem

In follow up to my previous posts concerning the material nature of the beercone, I am submitting this brief photo-essay concerning the case of a recently decommissioned beercone.

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Hammer Time: The Beercone: A Material Study – Part درې: Tape

Continued from Part Deux

The tape is an energy field that connects all living things. It surrounds us, sticks to us, and binds the universe together. Yeah, its some pretty mystical stuff, but what it isn’t is consistent between brands. Of the vast array of tapes, only one has received the Ballsmith’s Mark of Approval. A Good tape must have the following properties:
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Hammer Time: The Beercone: A Material Study – Part Deux – Cans

Continued from Part I

As the old saying goes, “if the tape is the skin, then the can is the meat.” Where is that an old saying, you ask? Have you ever been to Jaipur? No? Then its an old saying in Jaipur. Almost lyrical in the original Hindi. Now, can we move on? Great!

The beercone requires a solid core of well crushed, de-burred, and properly stacked cans, or else it quickly becomes a flaccid, squishy mess of garbage bound up in some tape. Proper technique is essential to quality construction, but that is outside the scope of this article. Equally critical, and a part of assembly that requires the most forethought, is the selection of beercan.
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Hammer Time: The Beercone: A Material Study – Part I – Introduction

We all know the legend by now. How Piney Pinecone evolved from a child’s game into the Game of Kings over a frigid January weekend at The Ranch, a little more than nine years ago.

We know the major tenets of the game, the 5-3 Runs/Outs limit, the Foul Out, Beaning the Runner, and the Testicle Amendment, survive to this day without modification from their original form. The spirit of the game has remained largely unchanged as well, only having grown to incorporate inebriated nonsense as part of the Art of Shit-talking. To the outside observer, watching games of Piney Pinecone side-by-side with Tapey Beercone, very little would hold them apart and that was the point. A single critical innovation proved the catalyst for that glorious evolution; The crafting of the first Beercone.
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