For months baseball fans have speculated as to where All-Star free agents Dallas Keuchel and Craig Kimbrel would play in 2019. Those questions where finally answered Monday when both players announced, during an April Fools Day press conference, that they would be taking their talents to Tapey Beercone.
The news shocked the baseball world, sending reverberations through Boston, Houston, and beyond. In their joint statement the players explained that with offers from MLB teams running dry, they both “felt that the Sport of Tapey Beercone offered them the best chance to reach the next step in their baseball careers”. As Craig Kimbrel explained, “We’ve both won a World Series, we’ve both been All-Stars, what more does MLB really have to offer us? On the other hand to win the Cold One, hit a Grand Salami, or become Beer Pope, only Tapey Beercone offers us that.”
Reporters from the baseball press immediately peppered the players with questions: “How was Tapey Beercone planning to pay two major league players?”. “How could they turn down millions to play a glorified version of beer league baseball?”. “How much had they been drinking when they made this decision?”
The Commissioner’s Office of Tapey Beercone released their own statement on the matter: “We are pleased with both player’s decisions to become a part of the Game of Kings, and we expect this the be just the first of many rounds of players to make the switch from baseball to beercone.” The terms of the deal remain a mystery, and the Commissioner’s Office would only comment by stating that, “the deals include a large signing bonus” and that Keuchel and Kimbrel would, “never be thirsty again.” On a related note, a large number of unmarked beer kegs where seen being unloaded at Dallas Keuchel’s Houston area home.
As for what is next for the former MLB’ers, both will spend time in the R Cascade League to hone their beercone skills in the hopes of making them ready for the Tapey Beercone Open. In particular both players will spend the spring firming up their in-game drinking skills. Following that the player’s will begin a Barnstorming tour with dates set at sites across the western United States.
How could this possibly go wrong?