To The Board of Regents and the Player’s Association at Large,
Allow this letter to serve as my formal nomination of Gerry “The Stud” for the Season 5 Jim Siemens Award of Excellence. In no uncertain terms, Gerry is the avatar of excellence. Since his astonishing debut in the waning days of Season 3, Gerry has consitently confounded expectation.
Gerry does not dominate the competition through raw athletic ability, nor does he possess the reubenesque physique typical of the Tapey Beercone player. Instead Gerry has mastered the zymological aspect of the game. Let’s not mince words. Gerry drinks with a vigor and abandon usually reserved to Baltimore Dockworkers and newly rich hobos. This skill places him amongst the drinking elites of the game. Beyond that, his ability to slam back cold one after cold one does not hamper his impressive abilities as a batsman. With one stat game remaining in the season, Gerry sports an impressive .750/.750/.813 slash line while maintaining an rBPI of 1.606!* Gerry is finesse in a game of brute force, an elegant player for a more civilized age of play.
Despite the air of civility about him, Gerry’s shit talking game is on point. He is always armed with a clever dagger of words or ribald comeback that keeps the game in its intended element. That said, his competitiveness is not undercut by his jovial nature. Jerry plays to win. Though maybe the more critical observation is that Gerry PLAYS. He shows up, makes the trek to the Open or the OTBCI, takes the hard journey to the Ranch. Gerry’s embodiment of excellence could begin and end at the fact that he has played more innings than any other non-regent this season. I beseech the awards committee to honor that level of commitment. Gerry is not a shooting star. He is a guiding light of the game and deserves to be recognized as such.
*Editor’s Note* – Gerry finished the season with a .711/.725/.763 slash line and a 1.466 rBPI.